Peoples, just so you know, being a dad is hard. In the last two and a half weeks, I've lost a lot of sleep and spent a lot of my "free-time" changing diapers and caring for this little one. It's difficult, but in some ways rewarding in raising a kid and having a role in his/her development.

Prior to Chloe being born, a lot of dads would come up to me and tell me that fatherhood was the best thing that's ever happened to me. They would usually preface it with something like, "Fatherhood: it's gonna kill you" or "You're life is gonna change in ways you never thought possible"-- and then end it with something along the lines of, "but you're gonna love it, and you're not going to want to trade it for anything else". At the time, I truly had no idea what they were talking about: I didn't fully understood the difficulty, nor the joy of parenthood. I can't say I fully understand it even now, but it's become a bit more clearer to me. The thought of being willing to do pretty much anything for this little person is just that: difficult, but joyful.

When we were still at the hospital, there were times where Chloe would be out of her swaddle and be crying uncomfortably. As she would cry, I would try to get her back into her swaddle, but not fast enough. I've never had to swaddle anything in my entire life! Just hearing her cry and not being able to soothe her a few moments sooner was enough to get me all teary-eyed. Normal, for dads? I guess, but weird for me. In that moment I would have done anything necessary to take care of her.

Sure, these days its about trying to soothe her when she can't sleep, when she needs to burp, when she's getting a diaper change, when she's freaking out during bathtime, or really anytime her eyes are open. But what will she need tomorrow? Her needs will only increase as she continues to grow up in the next 18+ years. And so yes, it will only get harder.

But as hard as it is, I believe that the credit in parenthood truly goes to the moms. It's why Mother's Day usually arrives with such fanfare and why Father's Day, by comparison, is but a blip on the screen. Carolyn works so hard at caring for Chloe, and you can see this amazing love in her eyes for our little baby. But both of us are still trying to figure this out. Parenthood is hard.

We both want to be good parents. We want to be good parents as she matures.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Perhaps I should listen to this and remind myself of it more often these days.

I'm up early around 6:00 with baby this morning. Chloe started wriggling around in the Pack-and-Play in our bedroom, so I thought I'd preempt her so that Carolyn could get a little more sleep. I turned off Carolyn's alarm clock and brought Chloe out into the living room to finish sleeping. According to the feeding log that Carolyn keeps, she last fed at 5:15am which means that she shouldn't need to feed till around 8-ish. Carolyn's been really good about waking up when Chloe starts waking up and making noises, but that means that Carolyn hasn't gotten as much sleep as she needs.

I wish I were better at getting up in the middle of the night with Carolyn. But if I don't hear the alarm clock or Chloe, then Carolyn just lets me sleep:(

Current Dad Achievements

More than a week has gone by since I became a dad. In that time, the days have blurred together, and I've spent a lot of time just thinking about what it actually means to be a parent.

One thought came about as I was changing Chloe's diaper for what seemed to be the 80th time one morning. That is, the amount love that you have for someone can be measured by how willing you might be to clean up their poop. I can honestly tell you here, there is a VERY short list of people whom I would be willing to dive right in and clean their poop. There are parents who clean their kids' diapers, and even adult children who care for their aging parents in the same way later in life. So want to know how much someone loves you? I propose asking them something...